I’ve been super emotional lately. Not because of any real reason. Which sucks more then you can even imagine because i know its for no reason and i just can change that fact. It started with my dog at 8 in the morning. She had to pee. But she just cant bark at me. No she whines. So i hear that as i am dreaming about J. fuck him. My first love.
he is one of my oldest friends. The one that i loved. The first guy i slept with. WE have been friends for (how old am I?) 14 years. One of the first people i met in high school. But we are no longer talking for reasons i cant quiet place. nor do i even want to talk about right nw as i have a limited amount of pot and a unlimted amount of anger. But needless to say waking up with his smell all around me lead me to break my vow of silence and text him. TO prove my crazy i yelled at him for showing up repeatedly in my dreams. Of course i wasnt expecting to hear from him but more on that later.
So the dog had to go pee and i stumbled forth and walked her. My migraine from yesterday still firmly intacked and my medicine still in the pocket of the dress i hadn’t changed out of. i felt like i had to puke from the headache and the sun was terrible. I was already dreading having to go to the water park with my niece and nephew. I adore those loud little people. But a migraine, sun and walking around felt like a mammoth task i did not sign up for. I begin to make my coffee and see the little people poking their head up from the mattress, I could not believe my luck when dad sent them to moms bed as he left for work. I finished my cup of coffee (making it) and i got back in bed. hoping that i wouldnt hae ot get up. But an hour later the dreaded knock at the door. Can i get out of bed to watch the kids. I say i i can leave the door open while i sleep. Nope that not gonna work. So they all leave it try to sleep. Boom second would of dreams about J. Fuck him. at 11:30 i wake up take my stress our a little on my bestie R. His current girlfriend trigger the shit out of my crazy. She is worried that me and him are having some sort of emotional. Fucking bipolar people. I thought she loved me. I tried really hard not to display that i loved him, fucked him, and made besites with him before she knew he existed. I have battled my way three the only three other women he slept with. They dont exist anymore. At least to him. So fuck her yes i have a close relationship with her. And i encouraged him to date her. and when she was being bitchy i encouraged him to kept trying. So fuck her if she thinks she can push me out.
And her comes my crazy. Is she trying to piss me off. no she is to fucked up to consider my emotions. but so i feel like she is. i can’t help it at all. i want to like strangle her. I want to break them up just ot prove to myself that i am better then her. The skinny bitch. Did i mention she is super skinny? And R. Well he was a douche with girls friends 3 and 4. I pissed them off so i had to go. Same reason. I have always made other girls jealous. It not like i had tons of boyfriends so i never really got why. I was always a disaster. I just was exotic i guess.
But when 3 became 6 in R’s love life i won her over. I still love her a lot. She is amazing. So i figured when 7 rolled up i can make friends with her,. She is a bit of a hippie. Can have a good time. Im lots of fucking fun. So poof good time. Until R decided to be fucking sharing and tell her that we used to date. LIKE 8 YEARS ago. So that may not have been the last time we had sex but shit happens. And 3-7 dont know that. In fact if 3 ever comes across this i may have some splaining to do. But shit happens.
Anyway ive been mildly fixated on this so i lost my shit and told R that i dont want to cause issues cause i dont. I do want him to be happy and all. Its frankly less confusing in my mind. And how i dont know if i should modify my behavior. Because i am crazy and obsessing. I think i mildly pissed him off. Not that he would say. He is a good bestie when it comes to my crazy. I trained him really well. so if 7 thinks she wants a fight she fucking has one. Borderline can out crazy Bipolar any day
And the AFTERNOON.
So flash forward to one canceled water park trip. My grandmother who is visiting well call her the wicked witch of the west. She is me crazy god mother. I inherited her crazy and then some. I benefited from therapy medication and a non bell jar type attitude, She did not so needless to say she is a handful. She cant stay with the dog. and my mother cannot get in the water with the kids. So no water park. i still have a killer headache. And i decided we should get ice cream. No time to smoke because someone is knocking on my door every five minutes. Its super annoying. The the wicked witch get upsets up. She does not want to stay by herself. No thought for the fact that she neither want to go to the water park or stay at home with the dog. But whatever we go. Then while in the car its determined we have to get my grandparents (glinda and the wizard) from Manhattan, Which gives me a panic attack because i am soon to be exiled from my safe space. YAY.
Im a little high now… and my emotions are not in the crazy town they were all day. its a lot better. Though i admits i am experiencing some intense side effects from having taking my cymbalta late. While smoking helps the associated manic feeling i get from taking my meds late. The dizziness and sweating and mild confusion from the meds and the highness make it fucking hard to get thru this. More from crazy town later….