Blog Archives

wroking ranting moving forward walking back

Its been so long since i wrote here. Well long for me anyway. Working at the big store has kept me surprisingly busy. As has R’s break up form his lasted number. He has done so much growing up and its great but as we know she was not so on my good side so now i would like to punch her in the face. I am thinking about moving back home.Trying to get a job at a lowes down there. Saving money to get a car. It would be a rough exsistence but what the hell else am i gonna do up0 here in this hippie town. I love it up in New England, But u need to be by myu friends meeting new people. R’s number three/five would be happy to have me home. She is incredibly happy ad i am so happy for her,. Her new Beau is perfect for her. Im on fb hiatus. t causing me to stalk R ever so slightly. I dont know why. I can never really get that boy off my brain. I hate when he is single it screws with my head just a touch. We got into the most insane fight over Christmas cards. i just wanted him to stop being a child. He hated all of them her would help. It was a mess. We made up fairly quickly which is good. L and J are (LJ) are at it again. fighting like crazed people. I dont know anymore if i cn help them. They ar both really unhappy yet scared to let go. Its hard. Lets see about my other boys. B is still forever a horn dog. he and is drama mama seperated. it was a crazy thing. But judging by his taste in me its clear he likes em crazy just like R. I sure do know how to pick them. J has vanished like he was never here. Im starting to get over it. Im starting to wonder if he did it for my own good. Im starting to wonder if i was just so awful that people cant be around me. Im starting not to care if i am

 

The other growing issue in my life is POT. as some of you out there know i have a borderline personality disorder. It makes life difficult. and i can obsess. So i smoke. Which is in increasingly bigger issue. because the parents hate the smell. It drives them into crazy people. We fight i yell they yell i cry. its crazed. its one of the reasons i want to go home. Even if it means living in C’s living room. And I am not even really talking to him. But his parents gave GAVE him a house, who does that shit? And with the whole family coming for christmas. Oh the holidays. The time where you want to kill your loved ones. I cannot not smoke for all of that. It will be entirely to much. on the plus side i have a brand new nephew so maybe walking around with him will calm me. But still they all seem to think being stones will cause me to hurt the child. Drunk people have bee handling babies for millenia i think tht a little bit of pot wont kill me

The second sister is knocked up. So i am giving up my room to her. Unsure of why entirely. It not that i dont want her to be comfortable. Its that i have to work about half the time they are here. I want space away from people. Because seriously people are a lot. Oh i guess i should specify that she is happily married.. So back to pot. I mean i live in one of the many states considering legalization so its hard for me to consider that i shouldnt be smoking. especially in lieu of like Xanax. its so upseting to me that the rest of the world cant see it that. 

Sinus Infections and Skeevy Men

What a fucking day. i have this killer sinus infection. My whole fucking face hurts. I keep trying to pretend that i will be better for the start of work but i doubt it. Its slowly moving down into y neck. this cannot be good. But i ralleyed for this job interview. i am to sick to even get into that, it went fine

 

But after i had a smoke date. Trying to meet new people. But i had my reservations. It went so poorly that i m gonna use his real name. Tim from Poughkeepsie new york. Ladies you know a tim from his area i suggest you check his phone. Anyway so first of he doesn’t like PETS!. who the fuck doesn’t like dogs. we walked to smoke it was all complaints. Where i lived was crappy and over priced. All of these type of condos are apparently. Then it was all i live in the middle of nowhere. I like living in the country. I am active looking to buy a house out here,  i love living where there are stars. Now downside was there was a crap ton of mosquitoes.  They sucked and i have plenty of bites. Now let me say i made it clear from the get with this guy that i didnt want to have casual sex. Its not like im above casual sex i just happened to have a pretty good idea of the sexual history of those i have had casual sex with. 

So anyway Timmy. Well timmy doesn’t like pets. has a acura legend that he wants me to droll over like i have never seen a nice car. Anyway, who doesn’t like my dog1 BUT I DIGRESS. anyway we smoke attempt small talk i said i new how to do some plumbing. He was above that only lays new pipe. It was weird and i was already thinking on how to get rid of him. So later tonight he texts me asks what i think i said some nice shit as i tend to feel obligated to do. He was like he just wants sex. I was like not interested he was like it okay I HAVE A GIRL.

i mean WTF, he begged to send me a picture of his cock. i was not interested. He talked about wanting to lick my ass. I was not interested. and the whole time he has a girlfriend. who does such skeevy shit. I was straight from the get and he thought he could talk me into it, Sorry i have self worth. and to think i put myself together with sick for him. At least someone else smoked me up. Honestly though i am like a magnet for taken me. JB from college -girlfriend. R had a girlfriend when we first hooked up. B has a girlfriend he lives with and who he knocked up while he was talking to me.  Im sure at least once J has ben seeing someone and phone sexed me. what is it about me that screams i love to help men cheat???]

High on Controversy, thoughts on a goverment shut down, the bible and lgbtqq, while on pot

I have a sinus infection.  And for the few who follow me you may know that i have a new job. I start thursday an i have an inverview for a second part time job today. so afrin tea and weed are my go to. Which have me feeling all crazy like. So no seems like a good time to get on my soap box.

First of this government shutdown is utter bs. I WANT MY OBAMACARE. sorry if this is upsetting for ou but chances are you either have or can afford insurance. obama care doesn’t effect you then. for the rest of us we need healthcare. we have families kids. you may be willing to risk going bankrupt on the mistaken believe that you will never get sick or hurt yourself. but i live in reality. and here we know that cancer doesn’t care what you do. that being said this republican party idea of getting rid of all given exceptions i agree with. While they may want it because it will exaggerate any financial issue assoisated with mandated health. i want it because i think that this is important. This will balance out the same way any increase in minimum wage does. so can we stop whining. 

 

I love high rants. they really help my BPD ( borderline personality disorder for the newbs) i am able to feel like i have gotten a weight off my chest. which is helpful to me. 

 

Now to the bible. LITERALLY A HOLY SHIT MOMENT. is it possible that the magical coat of every colors was a dress. in the  earliest english translations from greek it is shown in 2 Samuel 13:18 that the same word is used to discrible a female’s “garment of [a]diverse colors” the exact same hebrew word kethoneth passim used to describe Josheph’s coat of many colors. Is it possible we are mistake jealousy all these years for hatred of whats different. if you listen to J Mase III or the play Transfigurations this is what the bible is saying. ITS and amazing thought. what have we been misreading. I have always agreed with the biblical scholars who say that sodom and gomorrah was about the unwelcoming of those cities. Their non hospitality to strangers. The idea of being sodomized (foreseeably) is not the sin (though lets face it the rapeness reallyshould be the sin). I mean if there was a serious issue with rapeyness Lot wouldn’t have been like no no dont rape my guests please rape my daughters (Genesis 19:8) although i i read an older bible editions or versions that skip that whole part and just call them lustful so maybe the rapeyness is the issue. but euther way the issue does not seem to be with the ass rape (not to be crass but that would be the most logical way for a man to rape another man) excuse m the anal sex. it seems to either be not being welcoming to strangers. Or being crap ton of lusty rapist. not to mention later lot’s daughters, clearly influenced by the evil rapist they were raised with got all rapey with their dad. So clearly being rapey was an issue. After all the isrealites say the Moabites where children of incest rape (that would be todays Jordanians) 

but then again david was alittle moab. So this also proved that isrealles and jordanians and furth back most muslims are from the same family tree

Working

so i got a job. and for those of us with mental health issues working is a mixed blessing. I am pleased that i will have money. Ill be making 10.25 an hour. so yay pot money. but i will be responsible to someone else. a large someone else. Lowes. They drug test so i have been drug free since wednesday. It blows. My anxiety is thru the roof. I took a crying nap on my sofa today.  its one am an i cant sleep. I dont know what to do right now. But on the plus side after tmrw i will be able to smoke which will be nice. Maybe i can sleep which would be nicer, I have been taking ambien. i d0nt recommend it. frankly it makes me slutty. i don’t want to be so slutty. ambien is the devil. It kills all impulse control. How that is legal but pot is not is beyond me. who knows. lets see how work goes.

 

tired

i am too tired to function. normally this is when other people with Borderline Personality Disorders would get into dangerous mind sets. Cutting, Suicide attemps, obsesesive situations. Im not just throwing shit out i have been there. But now i am sort of beyond tht unless i am really upset. Pot helps. People with mental health disaorders are so often told to stay away from drugs.  I disagree with it entirely for pot. Its are to want to cut your arms when you are high. YOu would rather just take a nap. And for people with as strong mood swings as i can a nap is preferable. Its when i cant nap that i have an issue. Roght now by bed is filled with feathers. They are in my hair and in my things. 

i set my blanket on fire. Again.

im 28 this should not happen. side effect of the cymbalta or the pot. i couldnt tell you but i certainly am forgetful.

so i am falling down tired but i have to clean my room. its two days past dirty, one day past flithy and one day from being a public health issue. I blame my dog

 

Jewelry Making

Jewelry Making

i make and sell jewelry. it keeps me sane. or as sane as a woman like me gets. Im out of pot. the rest of my life has become exsausting. but i keep making jewelry even if i am sleeping on a bed with more beads then pillows. i need to work or else i will go crazy publicly

Today in a crazy house

I’ve been super emotional lately. Not because of any real reason. Which sucks more then you can even imagine because i know its for no reason and i just can change that fact. It started with my dog at 8 in the morning. She had to pee. But she just cant bark at me. No she whines. So i hear that as i am dreaming about J. fuck him. My first love.

he is one of my oldest friends. The one that i loved. The first guy i slept with. WE have been friends for (how old am I?) 14 years. One of the first people i met in high school. But we are no longer talking for reasons i cant quiet place. nor do i even want to talk about right nw as i have a limited amount of pot and a unlimted amount of anger. But needless to say waking up with his smell all around me lead me to break my vow of silence and text him. TO prove my crazy i yelled at him for showing up repeatedly in my dreams. Of course i wasnt expecting to hear from him but more on that later.

So the dog had to go pee and i stumbled forth and walked her. My migraine from yesterday still firmly intacked and my medicine still in the pocket of the dress i hadn’t changed out of. i felt like i had to puke from the headache and the sun was terrible. I was already dreading having to go to the water park with my niece and nephew. I adore those loud little people. But a migraine, sun and walking around felt like a mammoth task i did not sign up for. I begin to make my coffee and see the little people poking their head up from the mattress, I could not believe my luck when dad sent them to moms bed as he left for work. I finished my cup of coffee (making it) and i got back in bed. hoping that i wouldnt hae ot get up. But an hour later the dreaded knock at the door. Can i get out of bed to watch the kids. I say i i can leave the door open while i sleep. Nope that not gonna work. So they all leave it try to sleep. Boom second would of dreams about J. Fuck him. at 11:30 i wake up take my stress our a little on my bestie R. His current girlfriend trigger the shit out of my crazy. She is worried that me and him are having some sort of emotional. Fucking bipolar people. I thought she loved me. I tried really hard not to display that i loved him, fucked him, and made besites with him before she knew he existed. I have battled my way three the only three other women he slept with. They dont exist anymore. At least to him. So fuck her yes i have a close relationship with her. And i encouraged him to date her. and when she was being bitchy i encouraged him to kept trying. So fuck her if she thinks she can push me out.

And her comes my crazy. Is she trying to piss me off. no she is to fucked up to consider my emotions. but so i feel like she is. i can’t help it at all. i want to like strangle her. I want to break them up just ot prove to myself that i am better then her. The skinny bitch. Did i mention she is super skinny? And R. Well he was a douche with girls friends 3 and 4. I pissed them off so i had to go. Same reason. I have always made other girls jealous. It not like i had tons of boyfriends so i never really got why. I was always a disaster. I just was exotic i guess.

But when 3 became 6 in R’s love life i won her over. I still love her a lot. She is amazing. So i figured when 7 rolled up i can make friends with her,. She is a bit of a hippie. Can have a good time. Im lots of fucking fun. So poof good time. Until R decided to be fucking sharing and tell her that we used to date. LIKE 8 YEARS ago. So that may not have been the last time we had sex but shit happens. And 3-7 dont know that. In fact if 3 ever comes across this i may have some splaining to do. But shit happens.

Anyway ive been mildly fixated on this so i lost my shit and told R that i dont want to cause issues cause i dont. I do want him to be happy and all. Its frankly less confusing in my mind. And how i dont know if i should modify my behavior. Because i am crazy and obsessing.  I think i mildly pissed him off. Not that he would say. He is a good bestie when it comes to my crazy.  I trained him really well. so if 7 thinks she wants a fight she fucking has one. Borderline can out crazy Bipolar any day

And the AFTERNOON.

So flash forward to one canceled water park trip. My grandmother who is visiting well call her the wicked witch of the west. She is me crazy god mother. I inherited her crazy and then some. I benefited from therapy medication and a non bell jar type attitude, She did not so needless to say she is a handful. She cant stay with the dog. and my mother cannot get in the water with the kids. So  no water park. i still have a killer headache. And i decided we should get ice cream. No time to smoke because someone is knocking on my door every five minutes. Its super annoying. The the wicked witch get upsets up. She does not want to stay by herself. No thought for the fact that she neither want to go to the water park or stay at home with the dog. But whatever we go. Then while in the car its determined we have to get my grandparents (glinda and the wizard) from Manhattan, Which gives me a panic attack because i am soon to be exiled from my safe space. YAY.

Im a little high now… and my emotions are not in the crazy town they were all day. its a lot better. Though i admits i am experiencing some intense side effects from having taking my cymbalta late. While smoking helps the associated manic feeling i get from taking my meds late. The dizziness and sweating and mild confusion from the meds and the highness make it fucking hard to get thru this. More from crazy town later….