So i started by new jobs. One month in i feel crazy i guess. pot is helping me get thru and a non stop fake positive attitude. Puppies and Little Kids rolling thru really helps. And the fact my bosses seem cool as long as i do what i am told. I can be a shining star in a industry where my performance is often rewarded. It mostly bullshit i do not care what you are building or why. i care that i have money so i can smoke and so i don’t have to have a fucking anxiety attack. Yay. okay i dont hate it. it is certainly better then working for bank of america. Yes i am neve late but i did roll up last week with no bra. I di shower. Though i should have started my cross over today boo. I guess getting pot was moe important. so i stopped feeling like puking. Okay so i guess i should get up and work tmrw. Yay. start the cross over in my stores, I just trained to work. i guess god is telling me to calm down. I can say i tried. fuck if they fire me they fire me i hav another job ill just keep looking. So working in america blows. But Lowes is better then bank of america. that place is evil. i think/
so i got a job. and for those of us with mental health issues working is a mixed blessing. I am pleased that i will have money. Ill be making 10.25 an hour. so yay pot money. but i will be responsible to someone else. a large someone else. Lowes. They drug test so i have been drug free since wednesday. It blows. My anxiety is thru the roof. I took a crying nap on my sofa today. its one am an i cant sleep. I dont know what to do right now. But on the plus side after tmrw i will be able to smoke which will be nice. Maybe i can sleep which would be nicer, I have been taking ambien. i d0nt recommend it. frankly it makes me slutty. i don’t want to be so slutty. ambien is the devil. It kills all impulse control. How that is legal but pot is not is beyond me. who knows. lets see how work goes.
i am too tired to function. normally this is when other people with Borderline Personality Disorders would get into dangerous mind sets. Cutting, Suicide attemps, obsesesive situations. Im not just throwing shit out i have been there. But now i am sort of beyond tht unless i am really upset. Pot helps. People with mental health disaorders are so often told to stay away from drugs. I disagree with it entirely for pot. Its are to want to cut your arms when you are high. YOu would rather just take a nap. And for people with as strong mood swings as i can a nap is preferable. Its when i cant nap that i have an issue. Roght now by bed is filled with feathers. They are in my hair and in my things.
i set my blanket on fire. Again.
im 28 this should not happen. side effect of the cymbalta or the pot. i couldnt tell you but i certainly am forgetful.
so i am falling down tired but i have to clean my room. its two days past dirty, one day past flithy and one day from being a public health issue. I blame my dog